People fundamentally want to be happy. When you understand this, things become easier to accept. Although everyone desires happiness, the path to achieving it and the concept of happiness itself are neither universal nor explicit. We may strive for happiness but engage in behaviors that perpetuate our suffering, often automatically. Many times, we don’t even realize we are doing it. Sometimes, we learn behaviors as children that serve to protect us, and we carry them into adulthood, never realizing that they no longer serve us. It’s quite sobering to see how this has played out in your own life when you finally recognize it.
Our genetics and upbringing largely shape who we are. Our early experiences influence our worldview and how we interpret the world. Our interactions with the external world depend on our ability to perceive events as they are or through our limited experiences. If you grew up in a cold and uncaring environment, you might expect the world to be the same. For some individuals, this disrupts their personality development, leading to disorders.
In Buddhism, there is an aspiration to see samsara, the cycle of death and rebirth, and nirvana as one. They are fundamentally the same, but our limited perspective prevents us from seeing this truth. Buddhist philosophy and metaphysics delve much deeper, but this perspective offers unique insights into the role of perception in emotional intelligence. Things don’t happen to us; they happen, and we happen to be there.
I frequently speak about and teach emotional intelligence. While most people are interested in it to understand others, emotional intelligence begins with oneself. Self-awareness and introspection are necessary components of becoming emotionally intelligent. How can we expect to understand others without knowing ourselves first? We are responsible to ourselves, yet it seems that it is the self we abuse and abandon the most. How can we expect others to care for us if we don’t extend that care to ourselves first?
For this reason, I encourage people to look inward when they want to develop emotional intelligence. Understand yourself first: what makes you happy or mad, and how you react when things don’t go your way. Learn to be present in the moment. Treat thoughts for what they are: visitors passing by. It’s okay to entertain them for a while, but if they’re disruptive and making life more difficult, open the door and let them leave.
It’s natural to want to avoid feelings that cause us pain. Many people spend their lives trying to numb or deny these feelings. However, it’s important to remember that emotions are transient. We won’t be sad forever. So, feel the emotion, listen to what it’s trying to tell you, and then let it go. On the other hand, avoidance can last a lifetime and prevent us from fully experiencing life. Once we understand our feelings, we can better understand the feelings of others.
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